Rick
by Winter-sama
Summary: An introspective piece from Beckett's perspective during, what I felt, was one of the most touching scenes in 'Knockdown' - and guess what?  It wasn't the kiss ;   Please let me know what you think!  Chapter 2 now up! From Castle's perspective.  :
1. Chapter 1

**Hello everyone! I know that I _just_ updated my other story, 'Colder' and so you were expecting at least a week of silence from me...**

**Surprise!**

**This one just ambushed me - I had very little say in the matter - it just demanded to be written and wouldn't give me peace until I had it down on paper (so to speak).**

**There are spoilers for _Knockdown_ here - but frankly - who on earth did not watch it nearly the instant it played?**

**When the sneakpeaks for this scene originally went up on youtube I was struck by two things; first, by the way the scene played out - there were so many layers to it - it was truly incredible and kudos go out to both Nathan and Stana for such an amazing job; second, the amount of people who were squeeing in delight in the comments section because she had called him 'Rick', since I had not interpreted her use of his first name at all as a good thing.**

**So I've been trying to get those thoughts and feelings into words - and here it is.**

**Disclaimer: You know it, I know it. Let's just try not to tip off the powers that be, shall we?**

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"_Rick"_

She wields his name like a weapon. She uses it like a four letter word. She uses it to keep him off balance, to stop him from getting in.

The man that she knows, the one that she _really _knows, that she's more afraid of letting in than she's ever been afraid of anything in her life, that man is not 'Rick'. 'Rick' is the playboy. He's the mayor's poker buddy. He's the rich and famous author. 'Rick' is the man who belongs to the rest of the world.

She thinks back to the first case they had ever worked together. It was the only time she had ever called him by that name. She remembers how she had hidden her disappointment in the man who wrote the words that had pulled her out of her own personal hell behind a mask of annoyance.

"_Why are you here? You don't care about the victim, so you aren't here for justice. You don't care that the guy's aping your books, so you're not here because you're outraged. So what is it, Rick? Are you here to annoy me?"_

She had genuinely wanted to hear his answer – had hoped that he would somehow redeem himself in her eyes. She had desperately wished that somehow, his next words would show her that there was more to the man sitting across the table from her than Page Six and his bimbettes and celebutantes.

When he had answered her, she realised that the man across the table could be dangerous. Very dangerous.

"_Under normal circumstances, you should not be here. Most smart, good looking women become lawyers, not cops. And yet, here you are. Why?"_

"_I don't know, Rick. You're the novelist, you tell me."_

She had goaded him. Pushed his buttons. She had been trying to unbalance him as much as he had unbalanced her. When he basically retold her life story, when he had looked straight into her eyes and laid her soul bare right there in the interrogation room, she knew that she would have to be on her guard around him. Always.

'_Rick'_

The name always sounded harsh when she used it. The final syllable bitten off like breaking glass.

As they continued to work together, she came to realise that, just as she wore a mask to protect herself from the world, from the harsh reality that the people she loved tended to leave her, that he too hid behind a mask. 'Rick' was the mask. 'Castle' was the man.

What scared her the most though, was how willing he was to take that mask off for her. The things that she glimpsed in his eyes when they were alone, when no one was looking, they scared her more than that bullet that had been meant for her.

She could date other men. They were safe. They never tried to take the mask off. They were always content in the knowledge that what Kate showed them was all that there was to see. Castle though, he saw more, demanded more. But she knew that if she let him in, that her darkness would consume him too. It was a price that she wasn't willing to pay.

That afternoon, when he had come to her apartment, she knew. She knew that she had to push him away before he fell down the rabbit hole with her. As much as she wanted him to stand by her, she couldn't take him away from his mother and his daughter. It didn't matter what happened to her – it did matter what happened to him. She would not make that phone call. Ever.

"_I don't hang around you just to annoy you."_

He had said, answering her question from so many years before.

"_I don't ride out to murder scenes in the middle of the night to satisfy some morbid curiosity. If that was it I would have quit a long time ago."_

"_Well then why do you keep coming back, Rick?"_

Echoes of that first case.

She saw it in his eyes as soon as the name left her mouth. It was like she had physically slammed the door in his face.

And that was when he did it. He did the one thing that she could never fight against. He took off his own mask. 'Rick' was gone. Standing before her was only the man, not the author, not the millionaire, not the New York City socialite.

She stood there, seeing the truth in his eyes. Listening to his words, and she knew. It was already too late. She couldn't save him from her darkness because he was already walking through it with her. He had been for a long time.

Sighing, she tried to make him see one last time, that being with her meant that there was the very real possibility that he could die one day, and that it would be her fault.

His eyes never left hers. His resolve never wavered.

For the first time in Katherine Beckett's life, she realised that she had already let him in.

"_Ok, what have you got."_

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**So this is meant to be a oneshot - but if you guys are interested, I might write a second chapter from Castle's perspective.**

**Please let me know what you think! Your reviews are like shiny double rainbows to my eyes! ;)  
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	2. Chapter 2

**WOW! You guys are completely and totally AWESOMESAUCE! Your reviews and insight into my first chapter totally blew me away! And yes, y'all convinced me to do this from Castle's perspective. **

**Now you should all know - I really struggled with this one (hence the long delay). Getting inside Richard Castle's mind is no small feat I assure you! It's really a big part of what I love about this show and how well written and fleshed out the characters are - you have Beckett on the one hand, who on the surface is the more guarded of the two, but about who's past we know so much more about - Castle, on the other hand, appears to be an open book, so to speak, but the man has so many layers, and the writers only throw us a small morsel of his true self every now and again. I love it.**

**That said, it makes it very difficult to write a piece that tries to get inside his head. I hope that I could do his character justice.**

**disclaimer: I scream, you scream, we all scream for...well I'd love to say ownership - but really, I think they're in pretty good hands ;)**

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**Chapter 2**

"_Well then why do you keep coming back, Rick?_"

It was like a slap in the face.

She was pushing him away and he knew it, but damned if he knew how to stop her from closing that door and building up her walls again.

He thought about how she could do all of that with just a name. He often liked to quote the great masters, and who else but Shakespeare had once so astutely asked "What's in a name? Would a rose by any other name smell so sweet?"

He was a man who went by many names.

_Richard Alexander Rodgers_

The name he was born with. The name given to him, to the man who had no father. The name given to the lost boy, trailing after his mother's skirts wishing for nothing more than a place in the world that belonged to him. An identity that was his and his alone.

_Richard Edgar Castle_

The name he chose for himself. An ode to the true master of the macabre. An aspiration towards being something more than he had been his whole life.

_Richard_

Only two people had ever called him by that name: his mother, and Meredith. He hadn't been lying when he'd told his mother that he'd married Meredith because she had reminded him of her. _How very Freudian._

_Rick_

'Rick' was the man of the hour. The poker buddy. The man with the smirk on his face and the glint of mischief in his eye. It was the name that Kiera had called him by before he had become 'Rick Castle'. After she left him though, it was the name that he gave to the rest of the world. It was the name that only let people look at the surface so they couldn't see the lost little boy hiding behind his own fame. It was a name that he could live by and live with; it was the man that he had become and he wasn't ashamed of it.

In fact, it was never something he had ever given a whole terrible amount of thought to until _she_ used it. For whatever reason, when it fell out of that mouth, was uttered from those lips, it became a name that he suddenly hated.

"_Castle"_

It was who he was to her. It was the name that she used, of all the women in his life that he cared about or had cared about. It was strange, in many ways, how that name, of all the names he had and that he were used by the people in his life, that was name that she clung to.

He had never heard his name take on so many meanings, emotions and layers as when she barked it, whispered it, breathed it, or simply spoke it. He loved how it sounded, no matter the emotion that she charged it with.

But now, that other name. It sounded hard.

Harsh.

Afraid.

He looks across at her now and is fighting to understand how they came to this. In front of him stands a woman who is trying desperately to hold on to the last piece of her self-control, while he desperately needs her to let it go. And he does the only thing that he can think of; he lets her see it all.

He takes off the mask, all of the masks. The man that stands before her now has no name. He is the lost boy seeking approval and attention. He is the grown man trying to fight for the woman that he loves. He is the sweet man-child who wants nothing more than to see her smile.

And he speaks with more sincerity and earnestness than he has ever spoken with in his life or in his books.

"_Like it or not, I'm your plucky side-kick"_

"_Plucky side-kick always gets killed"_

"_Partner, then."_

He sees it then, sitting down on her sofa, opening the file and holding her eyes with his own; he'll have to let her in if he wants to be let in. And that scares the shit out of him.

"_Ok, what have you got._"

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**FIN**

**There you have it boys and girls! I hope that I did not disappoint! Also, I realised that I misquoted Beckett for the very last line - though the idea remains the same - and I didn't change it b/c I wanted to keep unity with the first chapter. I may also have misquoted Shakespeare at the beginning, but frankly, am far too lazy to look that one up...**

**A very special thank you to my wonderful reviewers! You keep me writing when I start to think that it just doesn't matter anymore :)**

**Shout outs to knittingeek, whimorawhy, Beckett NYPD and Nathan Fan - I can't believe you guys are still with me after all 7 chapters of 'Colder'.**

**(in passing - yes, there will be a sequel to that one - I'm just getting a full outline in order so I know where it's going BEFORE I start to write this time ;) )**

**And to all of my first time reviewers - you guys are awesome! Thank you to: xxxBekaForEvaXXX, Heidiho16, Charlie O'Kelley (btw - LOVE your 'Comfort' fic!), Dani Pink Cloud, Danidannidanny, Jjf, lauwer, Ariana Dawn, Merryk, eLynda, Kaz, brodie-wan, Eyrianone, KBtheMD, Rollinginfla, and Lmontay!**

**Big happy hearts all around!**

**Cheers! ^_^**


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